


realisations

by woefulhoeful



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: F/M, alex is a dick what is new, and that eliza knew what she was getting herself into, angelica realising that she doesn't know everything after all, basically just exploring angelica and her feelings towards the hamiltons marriage, kind of sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-06
Updated: 2017-07-06
Packaged: 2018-11-28 16:31:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11421816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/woefulhoeful/pseuds/woefulhoeful
Summary: Angelica & realising





	realisations

**Author's Note:**

> This was basically created because it annoyed me when I kept seeing all these comments on tumblr about how Angelica was Alexander's soulmate and how she had him pegged from the beginning while Eliza had no clue who she was marrying. Like, no. Eliza knew who she was marrying and this is Angelica realising that. Also, Angelica thinks of Eliza as this selfless person which I don't necessarily agree with. Eliza deserved better than Alexander, but she wanted him, and that's the thing people seem to ignore. She wanted to be with him, and even after he put her through shit she never seemed to regret it. I just want people to appreciate Eliza more to stop erasing her. Sorry for typos. I probably shouldn't post this because I don't think it's in anyway good but here goes anyway.

Alexander Hamilton leaves her breathless and aching, wanting more and more, has her feeling a way she's never truly felt before. All the people she's messed around with before are children compared to him. He's cocky and brilliant and a flirt and she wants to steal him from the room, from the city and run away somewhere to be alone. He's clearly not rich, clearly not from a respectable family, but, she doesn't care, not when faced with his brilliant mind. She's watching him talk to Senator Washington, his hands waving in the air as he gestures about something, his mouth moving non stop as Washington has a near pained look on his face, although fondness is also present, and she's just waiting for her moment to talk to him some more and engage in that dance of words that sends the shiver down her spine when Eliza squeezes her arm tightly, drawing her attention away.  
Eliza is beaming, cheeks flushed and eyes bright, as she rocks back and forth on her heels, glancing over Angelica’s shoulder.  
“What is it, Liza?” She asks, amused.  
“I call dibs on him,” she says, nodding over her shoulder and Angelica already knows who she's nodding at but she still turns to look at Alexander. Her stomach drops and her heart races.  
“On him?” She says, for something to say as she tries to control the turmoil in her mind, in her heart. “The guy talking to Senator Washington?”  
Eliza nods, hand clutching Angelica’s arm tighter. “This ones mine, Gel.”  
No, Angelica wants to scream at her, he's mine. I saw him first, I've talked to him already. I have dibs. He's mine. For a millisecond she considers saying this to Eliza, arguing with her about it. Eliza would bow out immediately, her good, selfless sister. One glance at her face, at how enthralled she looks, dismisses that consideration out of hand. Angelica loves her sister more than anything else in this world, will do anything for her happiness, will sacrifice herself over and over for Eliza.  
She puts a smile on, and it's a wonder Eliza doesn't see through it immediately, and gives Eliza’s hand a squeeze. “Leave it to me.”  
She walks to Alexander who, thankfully, seems to be done yelling at Washington and is staring out at the crowd as he polishes off a drink. Her heart is pounding and her mouth is dry, her hands clenched tight but this is for Eliza. Her baby sister. He spots her approaching and grins, so unbearably self confident and Angelica wants to scream.  
“Hello, again,” he greets, downing the last of his drink. “Couldn't stay away?”  
She rolls her eyes, smiling. She could reach out and take him, right now. Eliza wouldn't say anything, she'd let it happen and never protest. It would be so easy. She notices his gaze fix over her shoulder and she knows who has caught his eye, who's making him turn into the heart eye emoji and it's strengthens her resolve and belief that she is doing the right thing. She threads her arm through his and begins to drag him towards Eliza.  
He tears his gaze from Eliza to look down at her. “Where are you taking me?”  
Angelica smiles at him. “I'm about to change your life.”  
He raises his eyebrows, cocky again. “Then by all means, lead the way,” he croons and she doesn't know if she wants to slap him or kiss him. He's poor, she thinks. He's poor and you're the eldest Schuyler, the eldest daughter. You can't marry a poor man with no good family attached, no matter how brilliant he is.  
They stop in front of Eliza and before Angelica can speak, Eliza steps forward, shoulders back. “Elizabeth Schuyler,” she says, starring straight at him with a vulnerable look that Angelica hopes never appears on her own face. “It's a pleasure to meet you.”  
“Schuyler?” Alexander repeats, frowning at Angelica. He knew that she liked him, Angelica thinks, and doesn't understand why she'd introduce him to a relative.  
“My sister,”Angelica says, smiling through the pain. He just wants a rich Schuyler sister, someone to use to climb the political and social ladders. To let him use her for that, to let him use her shoulders and her good name to stand on would be naïve and Angelica has never been and will never be naïve.  
“Thank you for all your service,” Eliza says, drawing his attention back to her.  
“If it takes years of army training to meet, it will have been worth it,” he says and holds out his hand. Angelica watches, horrified yet with a perfectly pleasant smile that she had learned to fake since she was fourteen on her face, as Eliza hesitates for just a moment before placing her hand in his. She thinks once more of telling Eliza that she wants him, that she called dibs, but even if Eliza would happily bow out and allow Angelica to take him, she'd be miserable. And Angelica loves her sister too much for her to be miserable in any form.  
Alexander kisses Eliza’s hand and she blinks, taken aback, a slow smile forming on her face until it's the wide beam that Angelica has known her entire life. Angelica laughs, a touch too loud but they're both too wrapped up in the other to notice. “I'll leave you to it,” she says, lightly and as if she has no care in the world, walking away, her heart breaking with every step.  
He's poor and a gold digger, she reminds herself once more as she takes a glass of champagne from a near by waiter. It's only the Schuyler name that he's interested in, only how that name will help him advance in future. Angelica is expected to marry well and she wants to marry well. She watches Eliza and Alex dance, his eyes never leaving her face, a smile on his face as he twirls her and laughs.  
Peggy loops an arm around her waist, bringing her out of her thoughts, smelling faintly of champagne. “Who's that Liza is dancing with?” She asks, resting her head on Angelica’s shoulder, her breath rustling Angelica hair slightly like a summer breeze.  
“Just some soldier,” Angelica tells her, looking down at her little sisters curls. “I doubt they'll see each other again after tonight. You know how soldiers are; never satisfied with anything.”  
“She looks happy,” Peggy points out.  
“Yeah,” Angelica agrees. “Let's go get a drink.”

Seeing him after so long is like a kick to the stomach and she can't help the dizzy smile that breaks out in her face or the too tight hug she gives him. “Alexander, it's good to see you.”  
He smirks at her, as always, and if she was another woman, she'd blush. “It's good to see you, too, Angelica. Good flight?”  
“Popped a sleeping pill and was out for the whole thing.” They both laugh and she feels that familiar thrill run up her spine. It wasn't the same with the texts and phone calls and emails, it wasn't the same as talking to him face to face.  
“He needs to take a sleeping pill,” Eliza says, returning to the room with a mug of coffee for Angelica. She sits down on the couch after handing it to Angelica, and Alexander immediately sits down next to her, an arm curling around the back, their knees touching. “The most he's slept the past month is four hours each night.”  
“Betsy, it's not just my work distracting me,” he says, flicking one of Eliza’s drop down pearl earrings, exchanging a secretive smile with her.  
Angelica takes a long drink of the coffee which is just perfect. She feels comforted by the though that even after ten years of being away and the Atlantic separating them, Eliza remembers how to make her coffee.  
Eliza turns to face Angelica. “Gel, tell him how even our countries Vice President takes a break for the summer.”  
Angelica frowns, looking at the two of them. Before she can ask what Eliza is talking about, Alexander speaks up.  
“Please, we all know he doesn't even have a proper job,” he says. “Angelica, tell my wife that.” It had been a conversation they'd had a lot, about how John Adams rarely showed up for work, but Angelica can't think about that now.  
“You're not joining us at Albany?” She asks, not even trying to hide how confused she is. She had told him that's why she was coming home and he had seemed so excited to see her but he wasn't coming with them to Albany?  
“I'm afraid I can't make the journey,” he says, looking apologetic.  
“Alexander, I travelled all the way across the ocean,” she protests.  
“She came all the way from England,” Eliza seconds, frowning at her husband, though Angelica can see they've had this argument before. “Take a break, Alexander.”  
“I'm too busy,” he says, standing up. “I need to get this plan through Congress.”  
“Eliza is right,” Angelica says. “Just a two week break won't do you any harm. You can even work on the plan up in Albany.” She stands up and places a hand on his arm. “I'll help you with the plan. We can work on it together.”  
“I can't leave the city.”  
“Two weeks out of Washington isn't going to kill you,” she laughs. “Alex, if you don't take a break soon you're going to crash and burn and there will be no helping the financial plan then. Please, take a break.”  
“We haven't had a holiday in years,” Eliza says, drawing his attention away. He looks guilty at the mention. “Just two weeks, Alexander.”  
“We can go through the plan together, brain-storm ideas for how to convince members of Congress. It'll be just as effective as what you'll do here and you'll be comfortable. The two of us working on a plan together will be unstoppable.”  
She thinks she has him for a brief moment, but he tears his hand away from her. “No. I have to stay here and get this plan through. I can't swan off to Albany for a break. This is too important.” He storms out of the room and Angelica moves to follow him but Eliza rests a hand on her arm, shaking her head, slightly.  
Angelica throws her arms up in frustration. “Why won't he just rest for one moment?” She demands.  
“This is why I didn't want him to take the job,” Eliza says, softly. “I knew he would sacrifice his own health for it.”  
Angelica feels guilty, remembering the conversation where she had called Eliza selfish for wanting Alex to give up this amazing opportunity. Eliza, she realises, knew who Alexander was all along. She knew he wouldn't take a break, but, she'd tried anyway. Angelica plasters on a bright smile. “Never mind. I’m reunited with you and that's the most important,” she tells Eliza and she isn't lying. “I missed you so much in London.”

She throws up when she sees the twitter link to the blog post. She's sitting down to breakfast, John gone to work, the kids at school. She's already been up since five but only know has time to have something that actually counts as breakfast. She's half way through her eggs benedict that their chef is the very best at making when her phone starts buzzing with notifications.  
She gets halfway through the pamphlet before she goes to the sink and throws up the eggs she had just eaten, dry heaving for awhile afterwards. Her ears are ringing and all she can see is the words he'd typed out, hear Alexander himself speaking them. She's just talked to Eliza yesterday and everything had been perfect. It was mainly talk of William, the new baby, but Eliza had mentioned Alex, mentioned briefly that he'd been home late the last couple of nights and seemed more tired than usual. The two of them had joked about which concealer to use to hide the bags under his eyes – Nars or Mac - and how to trick him into sleeping for a full eight hours.  
Her hands are shaking and her ears are ringing but she grabs her iPad and begins to book a flight to New York as soon as possible but she pauses for a moment. Would Eliza stay in New York after this? Would she move the children back to their flat in Washington? Would she take them and go to Albany? Would she want to come to London?  
Angelica knows she has to ring her sister, but, for once in her life she wonders is she strong enough, is she capable of talking to her younger sister who's life and heart have just been shattered by her idiotic, bastard of a husband. Her phone rings before she can debate on what to do and through it slips from her hands, she answers quickly.  
She's met with broken sobs and she knows at that instant that of course she's strong enough, of course she's capable. This is her little sister, the person she will put before everyone else, before herself. She will do anything for her.

She arrives at their house two days later, with John promising to fly over in a couple of weeks with the children. She hands the taxi driver possibly far too much and slams the door shut, clutching her suitcase as tight as she can. The door is open and she runs into Alexander in the hall.  
He looks terrible, unwashed and pale beneath his tan, darker circles than she's ever seen under his eyes. “Angelica,” he breathes when he sees her, as she stands there staring at him, “thank God-“  
She slaps him across the face, hard. Her hand stings but she wants to do it again despite the pain. “Well done you fucking idiot,” she says. “Well done for screwing up the best thing that has ever happened you. Well done for printing your own political ruin. Really, Alexander, great job.”  
“I had to do it,” he says, his voice somehow angry as if he has any right to be angry. “It was that or ruin.”  
“Ruin?” She repeats, laughing. “You are ruined. You think you've a career left in politics after this? You think the world will ever let you forget this?”  
He clenched his jaw not breaking eye contact with her.  
“I'm not here to discuss your decision or your disgusting blog post or to help you save your career. I'm here for Eliza. Eliza trusted you and loved you and this is how you repay her? I chose her happiness over my own and I would do it again and again, in every universe because I love her more than anything in the whole entire fucking world and I was stupid enough to think you did too, stupid enough to think we loved her equally, like she deserves. She's the best thing that ever happened you, she gave you a family, a home and she has supported you and backed you up in everything you've ever done. How dare you do this to her? How could you forget that she is the best wife you could have been blessed with? How could you fuck a twenty year old when you knew that Eliza loved you like she did? How could you be so fucking stupid Alexander?” She's shouting, she knows, and Eliza is somewhere in this house but she can't help it as he stares at her like he doesn't understand why she isn't sympathising him. “She loved you more than anyone had ever loved you and you threw it all away for some twenty year old with boobs and an ass. I will never forgive you for doing this to my sister. I never want to see you again, Alexander.” She turns to walk away  
“Angelica-”  
“For the rest of your life,” she hisses, whirling around and glaring at him, “every thing you do is for my sister. Every decision you make is for her happiness. Give her the life she always deserved, the life you should have given her since the day of her marriage. She is the best thing in our lives.”

She's never leaving America again, not for anything. Her sister needs her and Eliza trumps everything. It's a month after the funeral and two weeks since Eliza moved into her new home uptown. Angelica knows it was supposed to make things easier but sorrow is in every corner of this new house, in every crack, and she wonders will it ever leave or will people just get used to it and no longer notice the deep, aching pain in the very foundations.  
Eliza moves slowly, like every steps causes her pain, and there's something old about her, like her souls has aged yet her body is still young. She doesn't cry, not since the first week they moved, but she doesn't smile or laugh. Just exists. She sits at the dinner table and eats, chewing carefully and swallowing, trying to put on a brave face for her children, never looking at her husband who is like a shell, who stares at her like she's water in a desert, but she never looks at him.  
He built a new office here and he sleeps in it, too. They had just began to move on from the post, Angelica knows, Eliza had just begun to smile at him and it's all wiped away now. She wonders is it worse nearly having something and having it snatched away from you just as you're about to touch it. She heard Eliza’s scream that day, had rushed in to the hospital room to see her hunched over her son, had seen Alexander reach for her hand, to try comfort her. She had seen her sister snatch her hand away, and she had seen his confused stare turn into despair and immense grief. She had seen their marriage break even more.  
She's reading to Eliza in the newly furnished sitting room, but Eliza isn't listening. She's staring blankly at the wall, hands folded neatly in her lap, back perfectly straight. Her breathing is slow and measured as if she can't breath unconsciously anymore, like she needs to focus on it or she may stop.  
Angelica finishes the chapter and Eliza doesn't move or say anything, just continues to breath. What else can Angelica expect her to do?  
“I'm going to make some tea,” she says, needlessly, as she stands up. Eliza won't notice her leaving. “I'll be right back.”  
Eliza looks away from the wall at her, blinking as if Angelica is the sun. “Oh. Yes, yes. That would be nice.”  
Angelica leaves before she starts to cry. She can cry tonight, when she goes back to John and her children. She has to be strong now, for her little sister. She makes the tea, smiling at the housemaid who offers but politely declining, finding herself soothed by the routine of it. She asks the maid to carry it to the drawing room and follows her.  
The front door opens, and in slips Alexander, in a coat, muttering to himself. “You'd like it here,” Angelica makes out, “you could write poetry out in the garden. Will I show you where you'll sleep? You'll have to-“  
“Alexander,” Angelica interrupts, softly, feeling sick when she realises that he's talking to Philip, as if he's standing beside him.  
Alexander blinks at her, an action identical to Eliza and it crushes her even more. “Oh. I thought you were gone.”  
“It's only seven,” Angelica says. “I normally don't leave until nine.”  
“Only seven?” He repeats, looking lost. “I thought it was night. Is Eliza asleep? What about the children?”  
“The younger ones are in their room,” Angelica says. “Eliza is in the sitting room. I'm reading to her.”  
He takes a couple of steps in the direction of the sitting room before she's even finished, but then stops as if blocked by an invisible barrier. He's staring at the door with an intense longing that Angelica recognises feeling herself and it takes her breath away. “I should… I should go to my study. I have to send in my piece to the Post.”  
She wants to ask him to stay, to come sit with her in the sitting room, but, she's grown up. She used to think she had power over him and perhaps she had a small amount, but never in anyway equal to the power Eliza has. Eliza wins every time. “Don't stay up too late,” she says, instead.  
She watches him leave, watches him throw a desperate glance at the door of the sitting room before going into his study. When Angelica enters the drawing room, Eliza looks up at her, tea cup and saucer in her lap. “Was that Alexander?” She asks. “He's back at a reasonable time tonight, thank God.”  
“Yes,” Angelica answers, still surprised by her little sister, even now. Even after everything he's done, after every thing she's suffered through because of him, she still thinking of his well being. She will forever be unable to comprehend Eliza’s capacity for forgiveness but will always be amazed and in awe of it. “Just back from a walk.”  
Eliza attempts a smile. “You used to be always be telling me to make him exercise. He walks every day now.”  
You must be happy is what she doesn't say. Angelica breaths in slowly so she doesn't flinch. “Eliza, I…”  
Eliza turns to her, smiling serenely, seeming unaware of the turmoil she's created inside her sister. “Will you continue reading, Ang?”  
Angelica stared at her, chewing on the inside of her lip. “Should we talk, Eliza?”  
“Talk?” Eliza repeated. “About what?”  
About Philip. About your husband. About my feelings for your husband. About his affair. About the web of lies and secrecy that have been between us since the night you met him. “Nothing, dearest,” she says, instead. “I'll continue. Chapter seven, wasn't it?”

She can't find Eliza and she worries, dashing through the house and calling her name. No one is answering and her worry is increasing and increasing, until she looks out the french windows and sees Eliza standing next to Alexander out in the garden.  
She slides open the door and is about to call out, but Alexander is moving his hands and talking rapidly and she pauses, unable to help wanting to hear what's he's saying.  
“…and I know it's nearly winter but there's still so much to do. I'm thinking of starting a vegetable patch, what do you think, Eliza? You're always telling me to eat more healthy and we can start eating organic, what do you think? I've been reading all these papers on it and I think it would be really good for the kids. It's amazing how much there is to know about gardening. There was a horticulture society in Columbia, do you remember? I should have joined it but I was so busy with law and-“ He stops abruptly and Angelica steps back, worried he may have noticed her. No, he's just stopped to look at Eliza, just staring at her face with longing. “Eliza. I…I know that I've done so much terrible things to you, hurt you in so many ways. I have never deserved you and I never will deserve you. But, I want to be good for you. I want to do better. I just…if I could stay by your side, stay with you for the rest of your life, that's all I could ever want. And that would be enough for the rest of my life. I don't need a government position, I don't need anything but you, Eliza. All I've ever needed is you and I was too obsessed with myself to realise that, but I know better now. All I need is you, all I want is you.”  
Angelica can hear her heart pounding and her head hurts. She feels like she's violating their privacy and she is, she knows that, but she can't help listening, can't help wanting to hear it all. She's never seen him so vulnerable. Eliza has, she knows that. Eliza knows all his childhood secrets that he's so ashamed of, knows everything in his life. Angelica is pretty sure she knows all about the affair, too. Alexander can't help himself with her, can't help spilling everything at just one look from her. She wants to hear more.  
“I miss Philip,” he says, his voice catching. “I miss him so much, but, we have to move on. If I could bring him back, if I could put myself in his place, if I could die and he could live, I would. Gladly. Just to see you smile. All I want to do is see you smile again and I would do anything you wanted for that. Anything. Just tell me. I can't say what's going to happen in the future. I don't know how we're going to move past what's happened us, but I know we can. If I'm by your side, I can. Together, we can. I know you, Eliza, and I know you're strong and good and you may not think you can get past this, but I know you and you can. You don't have any reason to trust me but you can do this. I believe in you and I-“ he stops, suddenly his breath catching. “I love you, Eliza. You make me a better person and I just want to be good enough for you. Please, Eliza.”  
There's a beat and he's not even looking at her anymore, looking to the side in shame. Angelica watches as her sister, her brave, strong sister, touches her fingers against the back of his hand before grasping his hand tightly. She watches as his shoulders begin to shake as he sobs, loudly and unapologetically. “It's quiet uptown,” she says. Her breath catches.  
Angelica can hardly comprehend what she's watching, what she's hearing. She's forgiving him and he's sobbing and they're imperfect but they fit together and she can't imagine the strength of her sister, the goodness of her character.  
Eliza rests her head on his shoulder and Angelica is glad she can't see her sisters face because she knows she's crying can sense it and she doesn't think she could survive seeing Eliza’s tear streaked face. He turns towards her and he grasps her face, resting his forehead against hers. He must say something because Eliza nods and he offers her arm which she quickly takes. Angelica is smart enough to know that she has to make herself scarce, quickly, so she heads to the sitting room and puts on the television. She's halfway through a rerun of friends when she realises her face is streaked with tears but she's smiling.

She was right, all those years ago. She was right and it's made her accept the truth with that much more grace.  
Alexander never deserved Eliza, Angelica is well aware of that, and Eliza deserved better, more happiness, an easier life, a better husband. But, she never wanted that. Angelica thought she was the one who grasped Alexander all those years ago, that she was the one who understood him fully, but, Eliza understood him just as well, just as easily. Eliza knew what she wanted and what she wanted was Alexander. She didn't want a quiet life or a normal husband and she'd reached out with two hands and grabbed Alexander. Angelica hadn't given him to Eliza, like she'd believed for so long. Eliza knew who Alexander was from one look, just like Angelica did, had known him more than Angelica did. Had seen beneath the superficial layer. Angelica had romanticised that night when they'd met. Had put a spin on it that made it look like he'd wanted her rather than Eliza, but, he'd wanted Eliza. He had never been Angelica’s to reach out and take and Eliza would not have allowed her to do so.  
Angelica’s three fundamental truths hadn't been that fundamental at all. Just Eliza’s happiness had been fundamental. Despite everything, despite Philip, despite the affair, despite the post, Eliza is happy with her life. Happy with her choice of husband. Happy with her marriage and with her choices.


End file.
